Don't take my Pluto away

Oh, dear, sweet Pluto. You are no longer just Pluto; now, you are 134340 Pluto, the largest dwarf planet in the Solar System. It pains my heart to hear this. I love you, Pluto, and if there was something I could do for you, believe me I would. You were my favorite planet. No one knew much about you, and that’s why I liked you. I will hunt down the man that did this to you, and carve the number 134340 into his forehead......if that's what you want me to do.....

I know all of you are laughing at me, thinking,“Why do you care so much about Pluto? He's small, insignificant, and hides away in the back of the solar system.” Well, I do! I do care about Pluto! Whenever there was a science project involving planets I would always chose Pluto. Yes, it was hard to find all the information on the planet. Yes, he wasn't as close as Mars, or as extravagantly blinged out as Saturn. And yes, my mother would yell at me asking why I chose such an arbitrary planet that no one cared about, and she wished I was never born (she actually did that a lot). I didn’t care though. I still did every project on dear, sweet Pluto. I didn’t care that it was smaller than several moons in our system, or that its moon – Charon – was as big as the planet itself. It didn’t bother me that Pluto didn’t completely follow a simple orbit. Pluto was different; Pluto was special! So are you scientists going to sit there and tell me that all of my projects went to waste, and that all of those hours of research have amounted to nothing? Huh? NOTHING! Is that what you’re saying to me?!!?

So now all these scientists are demoting you. Spitting on your name and calling you a “dwarf” planet: an ice dwarf. Now you’re listed with the likes of Ceres, Xena, Orcus, Sedna, Easterbunny and Santa (yes, there are dwarf planets named that.) It's like Pluto has been forced into the worst drag show in San Francisco. How dare the so-called “intelligent” people of the scientific community categorize my favorite planet with these freaks!

Pluto, they’re even saying that Charon isn’t your moon, but another dwarf planet! They want to take away your moon too? What did you do, Pluto? What did you do to deserve this horrible treatment? Was Hitler born there? Is that where Scientology came from? You can tell me!

So, what’s next? What else is science going to ruin for me? Are they going to categorize Johnny Depp as an android or David Hasselhoff as a gnome? I swear to God science, you’re being a total fucking asshole. Leave Pluto alone! Let him be a planet. You know, just because he’s different and mysterious doesn’t mean you have to shun him. I mean, if he’s walking around the solar system listening to his iPod, carrying his MacBook Pro, wearing aviators, and playing with his black fingernails it doesn’t give you the right to put a label on him. Douchebags.